Peace Sign
A Long Lasting Peace for Northern Ireland
Today is certainly a historic day for Northern Ireland as Unionists and Loyalists come together to form a single, local government. Will it work? Everyone is excited and optimistic. I hate to be a stick in the mud, but I don’t think this is going to last. It’s just a matter of time before the Protestants and Catholics start bickering again. That is why I once again reiterate by long held belief that in order for their to be a long lasting peace in Northern Ireland, the region must be ruled by a Jew. And I have just the Jew–my third cousin several continents removed, the very Irish Rosie McGoldberg. I am honored to have Rosie here with me today in our studios.
Murray Trillionaire (MT): Rosie, welcome to our studios.
Rosie McGoldberg (RM): Cheerio, top of the morning to you mate. Hello gorgeous!
MT: Would a McGoldberg government strive to create a united Ireland or keep Northern Ireland as part of The United Kingdom?
RM: Neither, darling. They’re both just too damn cold. I’m going to fight to unite Northern Ireland with Puerto Rico. Murray, you American Jews have Florida. But where the hell are us Irish Jews supposed to go in the middle of winter? I’m tired of freezing me arse off. And besides, I just love that Ricky Martin.
MT: What do you see as the biggest problem facing Northern Ireland today?
RM: Our pickles. You get fish and chips; it comes with dill pickles. You get Shepherd’s Pie, there’s a side of Cole Slaw and dill pickles. It is literally impossible to get a good sour garlic pickle like they have at your Katz Deli. It’s not right!
MT: What can a Jew do for Northern Ireland that nobody else can?
RM: All the arguing. I’ve got thousands of years of experience in arguing. I even argue with myself. For example, this morning I started arguing with myself that this red blouse I’m wearing makes me look fat. Murray do you think it makes me look fat.
MT: Fat, no. It makes you look a little pale. I was hoping you would be wearing green. So Rosie, would you govern in Irish or in English. I hear that you can sing all of Air Supply’s greatest hits in both.
RM: If I were to sing to you, “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you…” in Irish right now, I swear I’d give you spilkes. It’s breath-taking. But when I govern Northern Ireland, pumpkin, I will be speaking in neither English nor Irish. Rosie isn’t taking sides. I’ll be talking in sign language. I just recently found out however, that there is an English sign language and a different Irish sign language. So I’ll be speaking in Esperanto sign language. Besides, I always say to me fellow Irish, “Fight with your words, not with your hands. If we’re all talking with our hands, we can do both at the same time.
MT: Why do you think a Jew is going to be able to rule Northern Ireland if neither a Catholic nor a Protestant can?
RM: Who you kidding, sweetheart! I probably can’t either. But I’m sure I can unite all the Irish to hate me. After me, they’ll take anyone. And maybe while I’m governing Ireland, Ian Paisley and Martin McGuiness can go run the Middle East.
About the Author
Dr. Murray Trillionaire is a reknowned world expert with doctoral degrees in Yiddish Country Music from Brigham Young University and the History of Medieval New Jersey from the University of Atlantic City. He is the founder of the psychological school of thought commonly known as Trillionairism that believes that the answers to all of mankind’s problems can be found in the lyrics of pop songs from the 80s (particularly those from Culture Club). He is a tireless advocate of getting paper mache building recognized as an Olympic sport but is not sure if it should be part of the Summer or Winter Games. Get to know more about Murray by visiting his website http://www.murraytrillionaire.com or his blog at http://blog.murraytrillionaire.com.
GYM CLASS HEROES: Peace Sign / Index Down
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